Today has been the hardest day in Madrid so far. In the past three days I have experienced so much hurt and sorrow that I just want to be curled up in a ball on my bed at home. My heart hasn’t hurt like this in a long time. I haven’t cried like this in a long time. My body hasn’t ached like this in a long time.
Despite the various circumstances of the past few days, all I can hear repeating in my head is: “You are loved.” And I wish that voice would go away. Because I don’t feel loved. And I don’t feel like my friend is loved. And I don’t feel like the world is loved right now. Instead I feel pain, and confusion, and sorrow. It’s like when you go through something really tough and people keep telling you that everything is going to be okay. It’s just not what you want to hear. You want to hear what you are feeling. That the world is evil. That people are not on your side. That people are cruel and that forgiveness is weakness. You want to be confirmed.
But we need people to tell us that everything will be okay because otherwise we have no hope. I need to be told over and over that I am loved because otherwise I have no hope. No hope for this world and no hope for people in my life. I am loved, and I know it. But I don’t want to believe it today because life feels cruel and my heart feels heavy and so many relationships feel broken.
It is hard feeling so much pain so far away from home and anything familiar and comforting. But I guess this is supposed to make me stronger, another thing I don’t want to believe right now. It’s okay to feel this way sometimes, right?
Regardless, all I can find myself doing during this time is listening to worship music and praying in silence to the only one who may know how to comfort me through all of this. But those things are in no way an automatic remedy. They may speak truth and peace over my life, but those things take time to sink in. And true healing takes a long time to settle into a heart that is broken by so many different pains of this world. Old pains that haven’t been dealt with, and new pains that seem too big to carry.
This is one of those times where I just start writing and don’t know where it is going. but sometimes that’s the best way to get things out. So I don’t know if this post was just me ranting or spilling my thoughts all over the page or trying to give (or get?) advice, but I know it helped me a little bit in the process.
Thank you, God, for writing. Without writing words seem to be too complicated and vulnerable and scary. Thank you for a place where I can spill my emotions and realizations and everything else that goes on in my brain. Help me to have the courage to write during all seasons of life. Even the hard ones.